Save The Planet by Punching Holes in The Planet.

“Great news!”

“Hit me.”

“Josh Ashby died.”

“That’s the kid that?”

“Yeah, the Make-A-Wish kid. You won’t have to drill any more holes man.”

It was great news to most people. But I needed that dying little shit to stick around. Josh Asby is a – was a foul smelling little sadistic ass, no one liked him, no one wanted him. He was just the wrong kid for a rich man to get behind, and I was there to clean his mess up… and cleaning up some messes pays really well.

The news: “Fourteen-year-old mad scientist Josh Ashby reportedly died in his sleep this morning of leukemia.” The reporter speaks in an upbeat tone with a mad celebration in the background. Everyone’s excited that he’s dead, hell, I am a little bit, but my future just got a hell of a lot dimmer.

I drill holes for a living. I pick an open field, with at least a five-mile radius, and I drill a hole a little over 400 miles down. Sounds crazy as shit, but people can do some amazing stuff with the right incentive. Anyway, without getting too technical, I had to drill deep enough that I can catch and interrupt gamma light waves sent to the core. Craziest part was, it only took one person to set the drills up and get everything running.

Ashby was the reason I had to drill these holes in the first place. He was some sort of kid genius, but he got leukemia from one of his failed experiments. There was a huge public outcry to help his smart ass, and so Make-A-Wish jumped in. They told him they’d give him any one wish he wanted, so he chose to blow up the Earth.

I guess he had invented some gamma ray that’s supposed to change matter real fast. Theoretically, if he can concentrate this beam enough, it can penetrate to the Earth’s core, and cause some terrible chemical reaction large enough to cover the surface in molten lava. I don’t buy that the thing actually works, but they sent me out to stop it.

They tried to assassinate the kid, and of course Make-A-Wish wouldn’t endorse killing everyone, but some idiot billionaire rescued the kid and put him into hiding. Soon enough, some scientists confirmed that crazy light waves were bouncing off the earth’s core, so they got to stopping it.

They hired me to work the drills and disrupt the light signals, but since that was over… I had nearly a quarter billion dollars of debt for this giant drilling platform, and no more world threat meant no more job. I’m fucked.

If I sold my drills, it’d be at a huge loss, they weren’t set up for normal industrial use. Bankruptcy looked imminent, plus, I’d have to find some normal fake-ass job. I wouldn’t be able to tell women that I saved the planet for a living either. There goes my sex life.

I was all set up to start a drill that day too. It’s my favorite part, starting a hole. Hearing the drills grind, the earth moan, there’s nothing like it. Once it gets a few miles down, you can’t tell it’s working anymore. There was no point in starting the drill though, they’d probably complain I was wasting energy.

I was pissed, worried, numb. I got hammered. I started a bar fight, lost. I was about ready to just end it. Start my drill up, I’d jump into that hole and just get ground up into the earth and all that metal. I’d die the way I always wanted to live, raw, loud, cold, perfect. So I got all my things in order. Left a note, told my mom I loved her. Emptied my fridge, I was going to donate everything I could to some kid in Africa.

Then I checked my bank account… there was the deposit, $1.4 million, my normal check. Well, I guess if they were still paying me, it was still my job to drill holes.

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