A simple guide to getting to work for Google. Ehm Therus's effective 21-step process

In my latest trip outside the US, I was asked "how do you even get a job at Google?" I figured the answer was "I got crazy lucky," but I figured why not get scientific about it? If I can get that result, maybe someone else can apply my formula and get a similar result. So, here's my process - check it out

1. Get born the youngest of 8 kids. I did and I didn't have to work very hard at it.
2. Fail your 12th grade English class because you're bored all the time
1. This might seem small, but it's important. It's going to come up later, I promise. Take English 101 from a space cadet professor and have her convince you to change your major to English.
3. Halfway into your English degree, realize that an English degree isn't very marketable. Get a minor in technical writing to trick yourself into thinking it'll help you get a job.
4. Learn how to get good grades without doing much. 
• You can't always get good grades from no work. Some assignments take tons of work, but figure out which ones don't.
5. Learn a ton of stuff you'll never need.
• I decided to learn how to repair phones
6. Apply for jobs doing what you plan on doing when you grow up.
7. Apply to work with reputable employers - you know, companies people have heard of
8. Don't get those jobs. 
• I found this to be the most important step. I'd have put it as step one, but that's not really how lists like this work.
9. Get discouraged from all the not-getting-jobs experience you're gaining.
10. Apply for a similar job doing what you want to do that you're really weary of. 
• Make sure it's at a way lower wage than anywhere else - like absurdly low
• It should be somewhere you've never heard of (think: not reputable)
11. Don't get that job either. You suck, why would you?
12. Continue looking for every job (except prostitution)
13. Start getting desperate - but still stay away from prostitution
14. Continue getting desperate. Who knows? Maybe it'll never stop. (now you're getting the hang of it)
15. Remember that place you had never heard of that wanted to pay you way too little? Get them to offer you a more different job just because they still have your resumé.
• Take the job just to get out of waiting tables at a pizza place run people who clearly don't know how to run a pizza place (this will also give you some extra satisfaction when you notice on Yelp that the place has since closed)
16. Try to be useful every time all day. Remember how no one at your work wants to work the night shift? Do that. Someone important is in the office and they need coffee? Guess where you're going.
17. Move across the country for your job.
• I guess this isn't necessary, but I did it. If you're serious about following my guide, you probably should too.
18. Bring things you like with you when you move.
1. I chose people. I helped steal some people from Utah. What? It's not like Utah's all that great - other than the mountains and snowboarding and stuff. I even brought THIS dude.
19. Keep trying not to suck (read: don't get fired)
20. Have the most stressful fall ever.
21. Keep it going. Stress out in winter too! Why not?
22. This one's big: Make sure the company you work for gets bought by Google.
• I don't actually have any advice on making this part happen. And if I did, I'd probably get in trouble if I told you. I guess just make sure you're working for a really great start-up company that does really cool stuff with technology.

That's the best list you're likely to see me write on the subject. Keep in mind, following this process worked for me 100% of the times I've tried. For scale, that's a full 1 out of 1 times.

So there you go scientists! Go do the thing I did and get a Google job.

I also have some people to thank - I wouldn't have discovered this process without them. In some particular order that I'll not take the time to describe:

• My crazy parents for wanting to have 8 kids
• My 12th grade English teacher for failing me and giving me the hatred and spite needed to convince me that getting an English degree was a good idea somehow
• My space cadet English professor for further convincing me that and English degree was a good idea and then later being an example of why working on an English degree wasn't a great idea.
• My manager at some Japanese Steakhouse in Clearfield Utah who taught me how the worst person alive acts
• The people at Nest who help me do stuff all day
• Alex. I'd have died.
• Rhiana cuz she's cute.
• Eric because he's THIS dude
• And everyone really, but I already wrote a wrong list, so I can't list everyone.

Hello, Miss Lady.

I'm thinking about moving. Considering it. It could happen - sometimes people move.

And with moving comes the thought of new things, new ideas.

New people.

New people means introductions. Introductions are important. You tell people how to be around you, what you care about, and what you think about them - and you don't have to think much about them.

You don't have to, but I have been.

I've been thinking plenty. Plenty too much, but I've been thinking. What do I think I should tell new people when I meet them?

I have to tell them, what I mean, who I am, why I'm here, and what I'm for.

This is what I want them to know:

I'm Mark.

My favorite movie is The Royal Tenenbaums
I have a large Elliott Smith tattoo
Wes Anderson is my hero, and I want to be him when I grow up

I'm writing a book someone will think is an homage to Douglas Adams, though I started the book before I read any of his work.

I wish that I had Mike Judge's mind when it comes to social issues

I live in the world of art, but my mind works in the world of robots

I'm quiet, so don't worry about it if I don't talk to you
My mind is ambidextrous, so I see what art is for, but I need to get the nuts and bolts that hold it together

I grew up near mountains, so I love water and rocks and little scampery things

I love wakeboarding, but I'm terrified of lakes and other forms of deep water

I like sushi. Like lots. I like it lots and lots. I know it's cliche, but I like sushi and I want to eat it all days and all nights. I want it in my mouth.

Seems like it's pretty accurate. What do you peoples who've met me think?

Hole

It was simple. I'd seen a show and it hurt me, showed me what I was missing.

Everyone was to die - they knew it. so they clung to what they cared most about. A man made a dire attempt to call the love of his life, but was unsuccessful. He was assured that she knew he loved her and it was true. They all knew how it worked. He loved her. She loved him. It was broken, and time fought and challenged them.

But nothing was more apparent in that moment of inevitable doom.

That's what struck me most. The inevitability, the absoluteness, the tearing and undiscountable truth of the thing. I knew it was just a story, some pictures, some actors, and some writers just doing their jobs. Doing them well, but it was just their fucking job.

Now I'm here looking at what these actors, writers, filmmakers - these artists - have done.

Their cute little lies didn't even need to be well executed - though they were. The principle is all I needed. If I were on the verge of death, that's not how I'd spend it. I would spend it laughing. Mocking the love, worry, and haste of the people I watch from day to day. The people I work with - silly. My neighbors? Naive  The women I'd asked to care about me have been fools.

But I watch this man and his uninhibited authenticity. I see him unafraid to die. He has so much left undone and much to live for, but he sees the end and knows exactly what how he wants it to look - an expression of his soul's connection.

I watched it happen. It was fake. It was film. It was written and so obviously set up. But I watch it and see a hole in myself. I see a moment I'd waste if it were real.

And I spend the rest of my night in tears.

Your Dating Profile Sucks... Love Me?

It's no secret that I maintain a couple online dating profiles. I'd say my experience so far has been a success - assuming the goal is to meet and interact with cool people.

Things I've Noticed:

Here are some things I already suspected about people, but my online dating experience has helped me confirm.

Men Are the Worst.

In my normal experience with my real personal profiles (we'll use my OkCupid profile because it provides more data), I've averaged about 15 profile views a week, and over the course of 6 months, I've gotten 42 incoming messages. These include automated messages letting me know that someone I liked rated me highly and replies to messages I've sent. I feel like that's probably somewhere near average in the OkCupid bell curve for a dude in Utah.

Let's compare that to what happens to a woman's profile. For comparison's sake, let's assume that I'm a mildly attractive dude.

I've created a couple of fake female profiles to see what a girl's experience is like in this whole online dating thing. The results are gross. On a profile with nothing but a generic blurb and a mildly attractive picture, I've gotten at least 10 messages every day (20% of which are direct solicitations for sex), 50+ profile views every day, and just a general feeling that dudes are gross and nasty and covered in some sort of slime (or muck).

This ratio sucks from both ends. Women have to wade through the filthy spam of dudes trying to spam their filthy dudes all over. Messages from men who have more to offer rarely or never get read.

Something to note - I've never gotten any direct solicitations for sex sent to my real profile. Dudes are gross creeper pervs - that's what you learn.

People (girls?) Don't Read.

Say a girl asks that only people looking for a committed long-term relationship message her - that makes me assume that she's not looking for dudes who just want to hang out. Makes sense to me.

Say a girl who wants a committed relationship, and has made that clear on her profile, happens upon my profile. My profile clearly states that I'm looking for a short-term relationship at most (a few months to a year).That means that if I'm interested in you, I plan on thinking you're cool for a year max... Maximum (that's what a few months to a year means). So, if you're looking to get married and have kids, then my profile tells you that I'm the wrong guy to message right? Well, I guess it only does if you don't read my profile. So I get messages from those girls - but I still don't want to get married and father your children.

Reading is helpful - though I guess some girls might assume I took the time to write out a profile just because I love typing so much.

Stupid things:

You'd think that with all the different personalities and quirks people have, you'd be able to tell the difference between someone who's sarcastic yet playful, over someone who's become jaded against everything this world has to offer. If that's how you feel, don't trust your instincts. Why? Because nearly every profile uses the same phrasing, verbiage, imagery, and words. Taken out of the context of online dating, a lot of sentences or phrases could mean something, but when they show up on most profiles, they just become noise. Here are some of my favorites (favorite = things I've noticed that no longer have any meaning):

• "I'm not good at describing myself/ I don't like describing myself" -Of course you're bad at it, the only time you do it is when you're trying to fall in love (get freaky) with people online. You have no experience; none of us do. I don't, but I didn't bitch about it in my profile.
• "I like all kinds of music" - Oh good, that tells me that you have heard music before (I have learned that you aren't deaf.)
• "I won't respond to guys who have pictures in the bathroom with their shirt off" - Easier than writing that in your profile is deleting those messages. Or even better, reply to those messages telling that dude he's a douche (let's face it, he is).
• Terms like "easy-going," "fun-loving," "intelligent," "optimistic," ect. - No one thinks that they hate fun, thinks they are stupid, thinks they needlessly hate stuff, or thinks they are... the opposite of easy-going (hard-to-go?).

What I Don't Get:

Humans usually only continue a behavior when there's an associated reward. It makes me wonder - how successful are those dudes sending out thousands of messages a minute to every girl ever? Do people respond to that? I'd like some input here, if there are any women reading this shit. If a guy begs you to take his wiener to sexual pond, is there some instance where you'll allow that after a short interchange of electronic messages?

I could be wrong - maybe these dudes get laid on the reg, but I'm doubting it. So, if these guys aren't getting sexy, what's the drive to act like a pervert asshole douche-can sweetheart-fucker? Anyone have some insight?

Conclusion: 

Online dating is like normal dating, but it's easier to ignore people you don't want to talk to. (I'll bet you were expecting something much more comprehensive.)

Abstract: A Study - The Migratory Habits of Were-Werewe

Were-Werewe spends most of his time at home. When he needs to get something done, he'll go out to his shop, but he does most of his business in the living room - so he hasn't much need to leave. He sleeps in a bed; it's a good bed and we all know it.

When he wants to have fun, Were-Werewe participates in the SweetWheat BrewBake WhiskeyWine guzzling festivals held thrice weekly at the local Pubbery and Gecko-Upholstry Artisanship.

Were-Werewe seems to put a bit of effort into spending time near rope. He has been caught multiple times by local lawmongers sneaking into the nearby rope harvestry. This is odd considering Were-Werewe's Physicianmancer reports Werewe has an irritating allergic reaction to rope in any form. The allergy is reportedly only psychological.

Local townsfolk report (in terribly broken English) that during Week's End, Were-Werewe sneaks into the DeepDark of the Scourgewood and lights off illegal fireworks. This investigator could not confirm or deny these claims during the study. But, we doubt the validity of these claims for two reasons - Firstly that there are no firework laws in Scourgewood county. Secondly, it's common knowledge that most local townsfolk suffer from a chronic condition of drinking way too much hallucinogenic tea.

Since the study was privately funded, it ran out of money before a location-tracking spell could be attached to Werewe's favorite fur frock, it's difficult to make any sort of compelling or interesting inferences about his life.

Lists - Why not?

This blog will just be a list of things I don't like and a list of things I like. No explanation

Dislike:

Old people

Kids

Taste of Vodka

Diablo III Auction House

Going to Pharmacy

Unfulfilled commitments (including my own)

How some chores can only be accomplished during work hours

My chest acne

People who can't accept consequences 

How some cereal rips up the roof of your mouth

Any uncertainty ever that existed ever

Utahn naivety (I'm a victim also)

Like:

Rope swing

Gay Indian

Right Away Great Captain - Blame

How afraid of spiders some people are

Surprises

Diablo III

Sneezing

How my job changes every other week

New News

The future

Being naked/in underwears

Seeing something no one else ever will

Showing people something they never noticed

Intuition

Sacrilegious jokes

The idea of snakes

Thanks

What will be worse?

I find my soul, scattered in the gutter near a bar. 

Homeless, frozen and robbed (both of its glory and cash).

I escort it carefully home, but it is soon sent to get flowers

and I watch it lowered into earth, a dark homely prison.

I find my body in a distance, my mind is a mess

and my friend is a phone. I shelter myself with a clear household name,

so I can climb in and relive its duress.

My body and I united last in one expression of ending shame,

Will it be worse when I find these things true, my soul is a transient and body, recluse.

Or if, from comatose, I wake to find that my friend, the phone,

is the kind I must call

and not one I talk into.